Wow, surprised people have run into this blog. Then again, I suppose that's why I chose "yourname," wondering if people would check it like I have. Funny how the old cliche'd web address still prevails.

Asked jenny out two nights ago, she said okay, but then decided to change her mind last night, deciding against giving me a chance and desiring that if we should go out, it'd be as friends. I'm sure none of this makes sense but I wanted to jot it down somewhere.

FUCK! i talked to Diana online. I WILL NOT TALK TO HER AGAIN DAMMIT!

Tonight was a big night but I don't want to speak too much of it right now. Effectively, I gave Diana my last effort. It wasn't the best, sure, but I wasn't about to expend any more energy on her for this. Earlier in the day, I purchased a dozen roses and wrote her a card that said:

for all the times
that I shouldn't have walked away
for all the times
that I should have stayed.

i don't want you to give this up
but if you do, i can't stop you.
as before and as always...
carpe diem

We spent an extended amount of time outside and in the apartment hallway talking about this. At some points it looked like she was about to yield and at others, I probably could've initiated something physical with her. Of course, I didn't. Maybe I would've had some success if I did, if I could bring myself to be a bad guy and simply decide for her by dominating her. She might even want that somewhere in her being. But, I didn't. She kept threatening to go back inside her apartment but I just waited there. I told her that I made the mistake of walking away from her before and I'm not going to make the same mistake again. If anyone is walking away from anyone here tonight, it would have to be her. In essence, I wasn't about to let her have the satisfaction of me taking the fall and the blame for not pursuing this. She'd have to slam the door on me and shut me out. Of course, that's not what she wanted in the interests of being a half-decent person and for what she claims to be vested interest in our friendship/relationship but she was convinced that it was the right course of action for her. And she did it. Hesitantly but eventually, she managed to close the door on me as I sat outside in the hallway looking at her. I wished she'd open the door back up and reconsider but she never did. I mulled around for awhile but finally drove away, drove home.

For the past 2-3 hours, I've opened up much of this to my friend and roomate, Ben. I suppose it has finally gotten too frustrating for me not to share it with someone I know and who better to share it with than Ben, who knows Diana fairly well and whom Diana has liked before. Ironic in a sense, almost disgusting really. In any case, we learned a lot of new things about each other which added depth to our friendship. We now know more secrets about each other and with that familiarity I was able to tell him about my Diana tragedy. It is safe to say that ...

So another weekend goes by spent in misery. Diana and I talked several times this weekend but I'll talk mainly of the conversation we had just now, tonight. She revealed to me, as I had suspected, that there were several other flies on her web, several other guys, several other doors open, several other opportunities for her to take. As depressing as this news is, like I said, it wasn't unexpected. I knew a beautiful girl like her couldn't remain unnoticed for long and I was right. She contends that she doesn't want to explore any of those opportunities including mine because it will be less painful for everyone that way. Try as I might, I could only tell her why I think that it will be painful for some people either way and that only through exploring her opportunities will there be a chance that someone or some people will be happy. Thus, it is better overall for at least some to be happy than all to be unhappy. She tried to argue magnitude of happiness but I saw it differently. I had resolved, after much despair, that I would give this a fresh start. That's why I wanted to talk to her today. I wanted to ask her out, try to put what was behind us and start anew. Essentially, I'd try to do it right this time, and try to woo her in the conventional way. I wanted to take her out to a nice dinner in San Francisco and then take her out to the beach where we'd build a small bon fire, roast some marshmellows, and spend some time together...hopefully to reinforce any feelings she may have for me and solidify the prospects of "us." Unfortunately, the first bummer was that she gets off of school late on Thursday and has engagements for both Friday and Saturday night. I'm fine with sacrificing the dinner part and do it on Thursday but she refused, not because she's not drawn to the idea or me, so she says, but because she doesn't want "us" to develop. She fears it. Fuck.

Diana said that the first time I walked away from her after one of our talks where we revealed to each other our feelings was a significant one. Had I not walked away, had I took the chance, we would probably not be where we are today and I would've won her over then and there. These other flies on her web are apparently a recent development. Thus, what I've done seems to have been too little too late. To look at this in a bad light, its as if our other significant moments, where I revealed to her my feelings and didn't just walk away, where I slept with her, are now cast aside by her and ...

Ever have that sinking feeling that you've been rebounded on, yet simultaneously accused of rebounding off of the person who has rebounded off of you? THAT...sucks. Things between Diana and I aren't going very well. For the most part, I think we're both avoiding each other. I've made the craptacular mistake of messaging or calling her the past few times. I hate to be the one who's always approaching the other person. It makes you feel like you're imposing yourself upon them and they're resenting it. As such, I've resolved myself to not approach her and allow her to approach me if she wants to make this work. Sadly, it can be horrendously aggravating to lie in wait hoping that they will. I imagine its difficult for both of us. We're probably each waiting for the other to initiate a conversation. At least, I hope so. It would indeed suck if she didn't want to talk to me at all, in which case, all is lost and this moment of life has lived its time. Dammit, woman, talk to me.